Transforming Shame Through Nonviolent Communication

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), shame is seen as a powerful emotional signal that arises when we believe that we have acted in a way that disconnects us from our core values or from others.

It often stems from unmet needs related to belonging, acceptance, self-worth, or integrity.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC writes, “In a routine workshop activity, I ask participants to recall a recent occasion when they did something they wish they hadn’t. We then look at how they spoke to themselves immediately after having made what is referred in common language as a “mistake” or “error.” Typical statements were: “That was dumb!” “How could you do such a stupid thing?” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re always messing up!” “That’s selfish!”

These speakers had been taught to judge themselves in ways that imply that what they did was wrong or bad; their self-admonishment implicitly assumes that they deserve to suffer for what they’ve done.

It is tragic that so many of us get enmeshed in self-hatred rather than benefit from our mistakes, which show us our limitations and guide us towards growth. Even when we sometimes do “learn a lesson” from mistakes for which we judge ourselves harshly, I worry about the nature of the energy behind that kind of change and learning.”

(NonViolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg)

Understanding Shame in NVC:

1. Shame as a Signal, Not a Judgment:

In NVC, emotions like shame are viewed as indicators of unmet needs rather than as something inherently “bad” or “wrong.” Shame points to a disconnection, either internal (from your own values) or external (from others).

2. Distinguishing Shame from Guilt:

Guilt is typically tied to actions (“I did something wrong”), while shame often feels tied to identity (“I am wrong or unworthy”). NVC seeks to disentangle these judgments and help individuals connect with the universal needs underlying the feelings.

3. Cultural and Social Conditioning:

NVC recognizes that shame is often a result of societal or cultural messages that emphasize conditional worth. These messages may create patterns of internalized judgment.

Working with Shame in NVC:

1. Self-Empathy:

• Begin by acknowledging and naming the feeling: “I’m noticing shame.”

• Identify the judgments or thoughts contributing to the feeling. For example: “I shouldn’t have done that” or “I’m not good enough.”

• Connect with the unmet needs beneath the shame. These might include self-acceptance, authenticity, or understanding.

• Offer self-compassion: “Ah, this shame is showing me how deeply I care about being in integrity with myself.”

2. Reframing Judgments:

• Translate the self-critical or external judgment into observations and needs. For example:

• Judgment: “I embarrassed myself in front of everyone.”

• Reframe: “When I think about what I said, I feel shame because I value connection and respect.”

3. Connecting with Others:

• Use vulnerability to build understanding: Share your feelings and needs in a non-defensive way.

• Example: “When I think about what happened earlier, I feel embarrassed because I really value harmony and respect in our interactions. Can you share how it was for you?”

4. Receiving Empathy:

• Seek understanding from someone you trust. Sharing shame in a safe space often helps to dissolve its intensity. Hearing someone reflect back your feelings and needs without judgment can create a profound sense of relief and reconnection.

5. Transforming Shame into Growth:

• NVC emphasizes learning and growth rather than punishment or blame. After acknowledging shame, explore how you might align more closely with your values or needs moving forward.

Marshall continues,

“I’d like change to be stimulated by a clear desire to enrich life for ourselves or for others rather than by destructive energies such as shame or guilt. If the way we evaluate ourselves leads us to feel shame, and we consequently change our behavior, we are allowing our growing and learning to be guided by self-hatred. Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to shame are not free and joyful acts.”

“Self judgements, like all judgements, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.”

Learn more about NVC and download the Beginner’s Guide to NVC packet here.